Choices

Our life is composed of choices.

Every second in our life, we are actually deciding what to do. When we see someone we are familiar with, should we talk to them or not? When we are working, should we continue with this project orstart a new one? When we are playing basketball, should we shoot or pass? When we are sleeping, should we sleep on our back or side?

Some people argued that there might be a few dimensions in this world.

In each dimension, the same person (for example, the same Ivan Ho) reacts differently to a certain situation. In this dimension, I will be chilling when being teased but the Ivan Ho in another dimension might be agitated. As such, the Ivan Ho in another dimension might be a high achiever or a lame table.

If the theory is accurate,

the people whom are successful in this dimension must be the perfect version of themselves. This is the dimension that they are making most of the right decisions. Perhaps in another dimension, they are just average Joes and average Janes. Who knows?

For me,

this dimension is not much better. I've made more than half the dozens of bad decisions in this life time. Hopefully, I can start making the right ones.

Dilemma

As time passes by,

I found myself falling down this endless pit of uncertainty. The shadows of silence are engulfing my soul from every nook and corners. The longer I wait for an answer, the worst it gets - I am starting to fear of what might happen.

Long has it been gone,

the young optimistic 10-year old boy who believed in every single dream he can dream of. What is left is the 20-year old pessimist who is afraid to dream. 10 years are enough to break his faith - his believes on how man are suppose to grab hold of their life and serve his purpose.

In this 10 years,

I've gone through many things. Some of them fun, some happy and most are harsh. I've been on the top and fall to the brink of breaking down but none can be compared to now. I standing on the point to decide how my life should be and I am afraid I might have chosen the wrong path. Instead of doing what I am good at, I've decided to do what I want to do - insisting to study science.

A few days ago,

Tracy (my lady boss) asked me why my sales have gone south. I told her that there are not many walk-in customers. The fact is, I am starting to doubt my life. My working experience at a few places have made me think; What if my life ends up like this? I couldn't bear being a sales person to earn a living. I don't want to live a life like this. Having to live whilst taking advantage of others are definitely not my ideal. Or perhaps my "ideals" can never be achieved?

Even in that 10 years,

my life have been much easier. Even when I was sabotaged by people, I could stand up. Even when I was a subject of hatred and prejudice, I couldn't care less. But this uncertainty, its pinning me down and giving me no chance to retaliate.

To think of what is there for me makes me shiver.

What if I can't get a scholarship? What if I can't get into any universities? What if I have to use my parents' money to study? Can mom and dad afford to pay for my studies? What happens if I can't continue studying?

I am wondering where the optimist have gone to..

This walls of the endless pit is cold. Is there an end to the pit or is there something that I can grab on and pull myself out? I doubt the both..