Sunday, May 9, 2010

I can't f**king SLEEP!!!

As the day creeps nearer and nearer,
my sleeping time becomes more and more irregular.
There are times that I seem to be chilling.
And times that I seem to be confident.

Deep beneath,
I am trying to tell myself this;
"It is okay, you'll do fine."
Self-comforting, in other words - cheating myself.
When I close my eyes, I'll be questioning myself what my future might be?
It is becoming blurrer and blurrer as thought a cloud of mist is engulfing it.
I've no where to go, no where to hide.

The day that I might take poll position ahead of Kelvin seems further and further.
There's an obvious gap, a steep gradient of prowess between us that forms an impermeable barrier that I once thought I am possible of permeating.
Theoretically, we are of the same blood and I must be capable of reaching the standard he had set for me.
"A hardworking student is as good as a lazy genius. Imagine what a hardworking genius is capable of..."
That still rings in my mind.
Perhaps I'm not half as good as Kelvin.
Thus, the rule doesn't applies.

Even if I'm able to ignore that,
another question pops in mind.
It really isn't the time but hell, I'm thinking of her quite a lot.
Heck, she's there when I feel down but for the past one month, she's been very busy with assignments, meetings, finals and camp.
I've no one to talk to.
After all, I must play the usual Mr.Chilling at college.
I must admit I misses her and have been seriously thinking about the next move.
The ramification, however, is almost 99.9% catastrophic.
I must be stupid to do anything dumb now.

All the things playing in my mind is really excruciating.
I've been trying to sleep but it was in vain.
Nothing can stop me from thinking.
Perhaps I should take on the simplest method - bang my head against the wall and hope that I can collapse without leaving a hemorrhage.
I've not given up though - in everything.
Its a path of no regrets.

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