What If?

Spent the whole night thinking "what if?"

It is nights like this that often bring me back to time - flashing back the things that I've done and those that I didn't either out of lack of guts or there are no other ways. Pieces of us are formed by the bits from our past and what we do now is going to determine the future.

I find it funny how my life worked out.

In everything I do, I started off with a bang then I slowly fades away into shadows of nothingness. Perhaps I'm designed that way? Like a processor designed to last for a certain amount of time before it starts to heat up and slows down?

Thinking back, I am bemused with my actions in the past.

There are things that I've done which are silly, some malicious and some are for what the heck. To the account, I've done little things that are correct or appropriate.

Its scary when I ask myself "what if?"

What if I never joined anything back in high school? Not giving anyone a chance to sabotage me?

What if I've never break down back then? Could I have done better academically?

What if I've chosen not to take A-levels? Maybe I'm better off?

All of these shows how weak and insecure I really am.

It is nights like this that will soon drive me crazy.

Shaken But Not Shattered

Things aren't going as how I've planned.

Its quite frustrating. My scholarship plan is at a stand still. Its been 3 months since I've gotten my unconditional offer. With each day passing by, I feel the tension mounting on my shoulders. I feel depressed and over time, the depression have affected my daily routines.

Few days back,

I've read an article about depression and found out that I have a few symptoms that are stress related. First of all, I've hypersomnia (sleeping extensive hours) paired with insomnia (unable to sleep at night). My usual sleeping hours are between 3-4am to 1-2pm. Nasty stuff. Then, joint pains especially the knee and ankles. Thirdly, deterioration of memory - I often forget things that I want to say or said by others. And finally, a feeling of laziness (yes, it is stress related) in everything I do.

Thinking back,

I am actually giving myself an excuse not to do things. Blame it on the scholarship, don't do anything cause you're not feeling like doing it.

Hello?

The scholarship is not the only thing in life! Its crucial but hey, you've loads of stuff waiting for you! Your bicycle is left idle, half repaired. Your brains is rusty and in need of refreshment. Your house have stuffs to be fixed. Get your lazy ass off the coach and do some work!

Indeed my confidence are running low.

Like a basketball match, I need to call a timeout - to regroup, reset and boast morale. I've teammates that are always there for me. It is not the end even if we loses out. The utmost importance is that we never gave up and fought till the end. Set my life straight and continue fighting. There is no need to fear the future for we are the ones that make them possible. Life might be a bitch but we're living it anyways. So, why not making the best out of it? I'm not giving up. Everything you throw at me can shake but not shatters me.

What's wrong with me?

"EVERYTHING"

..

...

....

Yes, everything is wrong if you're asking me what's wrong.

My sister told me that I'm the one that she know the least.

The crux is that I've no idea how to talk to people about myself anymore. What I say seems to be wrong for people around me. People are telling me of how selfish I am and of how relentless I am. Some even say that what I believe is of fantasy and I never face reality as I should.

I was once obsessed with stepping out of Kelvin's shadow.

It was not the desired life that I have. The idea became an obsession that backfired and had me licking my wounds - it took me a year to get back on my feet. From that day forth, I told myself I will live my life as how I've desired all the while - become a researcher.

I knew the road to reach my goal would be hard.

I've always told myself to make every hardship a stepping stone to success. Life's a game and I can't afford to lose now because there are no checkpoints that I can save and restart a chapter again. I've went this far and finally my endeavors are acknowledged by an university of high reputation. However, my journey is put into a long and painful halt.

I clinch onto the prospect of getting into UCL tightly and unwilling to give up.

Now, people tell me that is wrong.

Some even told me to give it up. Perplexed, I am unsure of what life will I live if its not going down the path that I've weaved through the years. What is a life if everything you envisioned vanish? Everything that you've worked for crumbled, rubble under the carnage of failure. Life would suck.

I've tried so hard to be ordinary.

I just want to study! Why must my life be so hard that each step taken, a boulder adds on my shoulder? Can life be more polite to me?