Saturday, January 8, 2011

Not Meant to Be

In our lives, many things are just not meant to be no matter how hard we try. There are no such thing in the world called "another route" to success in my world. I've made one wrong step thinking that; hey, I wanna do something different from Kyle and beat him at it! and ruined my whole life.

Call me a sicko who can't lose out to my brother. Indeed, I'm obsessed with getting myself out of his shadows. Sibling rivalry max. Of all the people in the world, he's the only one I can call idol and the only one that I really really want to triumph over. I'm tired being compared to him. I want, for once, shine under his shadow and radiate light that disperse the shadow. I have close shaves but each and every one of them end up in the dust. Maybe it is never meant to be for me to shine above him?

My first few years of being in secondary school was smooth. I've pushed myself to do things that Kyle have never did and ended up authority-hungry. Becoming a prefect was one of them. Knowing that my brother is very good in academics, I opt to beat him both academically and in curriculum. Indeed, I've become one of the better prefects. But through my own eyes, I've seen things that held my principles in question - teachers helping their fav students, a simple "salah faham" can help students in fight escape unpunished, saying "insaf" will get their ass out of trouble and etc. In the end, my work is not appreciated. I remained as one of the lowly ranked prefects while some prefects got higher ranks whilst doing nothing. Perhaps, I am not meant to be one of the highest ranked prefects?

One of my deepest grudge with my secondary school past ought to be in St. John. I've done with all my heart and all I can for the good of the society. Do you think it is easy to be the middle man between the headquarter and school office? At times, the headquarter gives me a short notice to finish the paper works and those you-know-who teachers tend to delay every single letter. Simplest solution? I go get the signatures on my own. Screw the protocols. Thats how we get things going. Bunch of shallow minds living in crude environment. Ask yourselves this; who is the dumb ass who forced the squad to train under the hot blazing sun every day and got champion in State com? And in the end, what he got? 3 friggin years being Lance Corporal. Once again, it is not meant to be?

Now, closer than ever. I could free myself from the shades. I'm heated, beaten and cooled. Went to a college known for many wrong things with one reason, a full tuition fee waiver for A-level course. What could go wrong? Indeed, nothing. I rise from the grave dug by people who want to see me suffer in Form 4 and Form 5, climbed all the way to the top of my class, did all I could to get a good result, applied to Cambridge, got the interview and got a chance of a lifetime to shine. Yet, I failed. As high as you soar, the more it hurts as you fall. All I could say is that it never meant to be my fate to be on par with Kyle.

What is second grade will remain as second grade.

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