Of Losing and Lost

In everyone's life,

we are bound to lose something. This is a reality that nobody can escape. But have you ever ask yourself this; What is the different in feel of losing something and of something lost?

The answer depends on individuals.

My answer? When I'm losing something, I experience fear and anxiety. This feeling comes from the root of all fear, fear of the unknown. When we're about to lose something important, the visions of life without the "thing" would kick into mind. As a pessimist, I often envision the worse case scenario. Thus, I rather hang on to things and hope that it will remain as it is. The anxiety is due to the possibility of "fixing" the problem where every single decision counts. I must think very carefully in structuring my strategy to prevent the "thing" to being lost. The fear and anxiety will remain in the whole process of losing that "thing".

When it come to have lost something.

The feeling is remorse. One thing that can be cured only by time or by substitution. Have you ever broke a favourite toy when you were young or scrapped some paint off your car over an accident? The feeling is much similar. You feel bad at first but you'll get over it after some time. Your parents will probably get you something new and throw the broken toy into the bin. You get a paint job or better still, get a new car. There, problem solved. However, I do feel the same remorse over some things that I've lost. But I can do nothing more than that.

Some of the time,

I opt to ignore the problem and tell myself "everything is fine, this is just a dream, everything will turn out good after I am awake". Naive I am. But that is just how I wish life could be.

Not Meant to Be

In our lives, many things are just not meant to be no matter how hard we try. There are no such thing in the world called "another route" to success in my world. I've made one wrong step thinking that; hey, I wanna do something different from Kyle and beat him at it! and ruined my whole life.

Call me a sicko who can't lose out to my brother. Indeed, I'm obsessed with getting myself out of his shadows. Sibling rivalry max. Of all the people in the world, he's the only one I can call idol and the only one that I really really want to triumph over. I'm tired being compared to him. I want, for once, shine under his shadow and radiate light that disperse the shadow. I have close shaves but each and every one of them end up in the dust. Maybe it is never meant to be for me to shine above him?

My first few years of being in secondary school was smooth. I've pushed myself to do things that Kyle have never did and ended up authority-hungry. Becoming a prefect was one of them. Knowing that my brother is very good in academics, I opt to beat him both academically and in curriculum. Indeed, I've become one of the better prefects. But through my own eyes, I've seen things that held my principles in question - teachers helping their fav students, a simple "salah faham" can help students in fight escape unpunished, saying "insaf" will get their ass out of trouble and etc. In the end, my work is not appreciated. I remained as one of the lowly ranked prefects while some prefects got higher ranks whilst doing nothing. Perhaps, I am not meant to be one of the highest ranked prefects?

One of my deepest grudge with my secondary school past ought to be in St. John. I've done with all my heart and all I can for the good of the society. Do you think it is easy to be the middle man between the headquarter and school office? At times, the headquarter gives me a short notice to finish the paper works and those you-know-who teachers tend to delay every single letter. Simplest solution? I go get the signatures on my own. Screw the protocols. Thats how we get things going. Bunch of shallow minds living in crude environment. Ask yourselves this; who is the dumb ass who forced the squad to train under the hot blazing sun every day and got champion in State com? And in the end, what he got? 3 friggin years being Lance Corporal. Once again, it is not meant to be?

Now, closer than ever. I could free myself from the shades. I'm heated, beaten and cooled. Went to a college known for many wrong things with one reason, a full tuition fee waiver for A-level course. What could go wrong? Indeed, nothing. I rise from the grave dug by people who want to see me suffer in Form 4 and Form 5, climbed all the way to the top of my class, did all I could to get a good result, applied to Cambridge, got the interview and got a chance of a lifetime to shine. Yet, I failed. As high as you soar, the more it hurts as you fall. All I could say is that it never meant to be my fate to be on par with Kyle.

What is second grade will remain as second grade.

End of 2010

31st December 2010,

People often say, the end of something is the beginning of another.

So, yeah. Many things happened during this year.

Study (or career) wise,

I've taken 2 major exams (AS and A2), applied and gotten an interview from Cambridge, and scored 8.0 for IELTS. I've gotten an admirable result for AS even though I've asked for more. Come to think of it, 3As and 2Bs ain't that bad. I've gone through sleepless nights and some of those nights that I would've just dozed off out of exhaustion. I've experienced fear and anxiety during exams, broke down due to stress, regained my strength, fought for the result I want and finished my college life!

Family wise,

I'm finally back at home from KL. Truthfully, there's nothing better than home. I'm reunited with my family. It's back to the same old days where mom would nag us just about anything. The bond between my family members got closer. Mom and dad somehow enjoys watching movie in the cinema. We do have small fights every now and then. But hey, that's the spice in a family! I love my family. =D

Relationship (guy and girls) wise,

Well, lets just put this short - I loved a girl, given up, like another, given up and got hooked, loving it. For the (just) friends part, yeah, I'm not gay. But I've awesome experience with some of the guys back in college (especially Jian, Kev and dumb boy). Besides, my classmates are just great! Love them all and sad to leave them. Its great knowing all of you! You guys have been there for the thin and thick. =)

To sum things up.

2010 happened to be a very entertaining year for me. I've gone through changes and gained experience. Its a great year and hopefully 2011 will be better. Time is up to bid 2010 a farewell! Hello 2011! New challenges await us! Let's roll!

Finding Oneself

Have you ever "lost" someone who is here?

I mean not physically. Its just as if the person is no longer the one you know and cherish? Chances are high - people changes and God knows how they would change. The change can be big or small, physically, mentally or behaviorally.

Sometimes, these changes bring big effects.

As scary as it sounds like, the changes is inevitable. For instance, one might begin to use foul words as they grow up. Like how and artist would describe; everyone is a sheet of paper and every drop of ink changes the whole picture. Some brings joy, some anguish, and some remains in the same phase.

Some would try to "find themselves".

Some wouldn't bother to care. But who exactly is this "oneself"? How can this be "lost" if you don't even know what it is? How can you "find" something that you are not sure of? Indeed, we need to know what is lost before finding it. Perhaps this is the crux for such grotesque situation.

How can one be helped when he denies help?

People who have lost themselves often claim that they can no longer find the old self. Albeit, they didn't allow people to help identifying the problem and work things out. People around us are those who know best about us. If there are any changes, they are the first to notice. Try talk to them and find out what is really "lost". We need to take the bull by its horn.

Besides, who would be more willing to help than people closest to you?

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These same people are those who cares most about you.

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These same people want to see the best of you.

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Yet, you shut them out.

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Leaving silence in both world.

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And desolation remains in the heart.

Christmas Eve

I'm not a Christian.

But I do enjoy some of the Christian celebrations with Christmas being one of them. Each Christmas eve, I would attend some functions or parties. This year, however, I never attend any of those but just simply spend the night drinking (tea, bubble tea to be exact) with some of my friends. It was better than functions and parties.

There were 7 of us.

Saiful, Li Ann, Kaev, Jamie, Qi Ting, Eugene and me. It was a random yumcha plan by Jamie and we called whoever (we think) in Kuantan. Chatted quite some time from 9.30pm to 12pm. It was quite fun to actually sit down and talk with them. We were even shooed away from the shop because its already past closing hour. =..="...

With Kaev having to wait for his dad to fetch,

I invited Li Ann and him to chill out at my house. So, there we were. Talking bout college life, our past times and stuff regarding Christianity (yeah, I'm interested in discussing bout religion). Li Ann really surprise me (again, first time being F5 when she suddenly turned from serious to wacky). This time, she have become Muscle Ann...Her biceps are bigger than mine. =..="...

We chilled till 1.30am.

First time having friends over till so late. It was cool having friends to talk. Especially old ones. This is definitely one of the better Christmas eves I've ever gone through. Its good to have old friends. OLD is GOLD. Too Bad Kayu and Chibi are not around. Merry Christmas guys. =D