Miraculous

Life is really miraculous.
It is a smooth sail for some. And for the rest, it is nothing less than a ride at Hades' backyard. You'll be tempted, trialed and tempered in the fire of Hell. Nothing you do seems to be easy. Each time you see the shores, only to realize that it is another deserted island with hungry demons waiting to cut the flesh out of your skin one piece at a time.

Understanding that staying idle will not help,
you paddled across the endless sea. Under the roaring sea are shadows of vicious creatures with tentacles, fins and jaws waiting for a meal. Soon, your energy runs, dehydration sets in and delusions seems like reality. Finally you collapsed under exhaustion. The world seems much better as you're drifting in your semi-conscious state. Your thoughts are the acme of power and everything that you've ever dreamed are all happening at the second that it crosses your mind. The sky's the limit! At this moment, you feel all suffering and pain is gone.

Life is miraculous.
Suddenly you heard a loud bang and shaken you out of your fake euphoria. Reluctantly, you open your eyes and saw a beam of bright silvery light over the horizon. Home is right in front of your face. Your family waiting at the doors, excitement written on their face. You sprinted like you've never felt the firm grounds before and your mother gracefully open her arms like an angle spreading her wings to embrace you in her warmth. Stunned, you felt blood shots in your eyes as if you're staring at the eyes of Medusa with six inch of hard cold steel piercing through your stomach.

As it turned out,
everything was nothing more than an illusion. Your mind was playing tricks on you. The home that you saw was a thick forest and your family members are individual trees. That you've sprinted towards a tree trunk and had your stomach ripped by a splint of a remaining branch. However, the physical pain were not felt. Instead, a sharp, intense torment of all hopes are lost was the only feeling that can be felt. You dropped down on your knees and felt on your side. Curled like a baby in a mother's womb, you were shivering like a robbery victim that was stabbed and left to die a slow, lonely death.

Slowly but surely,
your mind slips into emptiness. Everything seems to have come to an abrupt pause - the breeze stopped blowing, the water seized flowing, the leaves suspended in mid air. Like a faulty television, your vision begun to turn grey, blurry with occasional lapses. Your body creeps from shivering cold to numb and finally to nothingness. You can hear nothing but the fading beats of your weakening heart desperately trying its best to pump blood to your brains. The volume knob twisted to less than a whisper. The world turned ever so silent. Nothing seen, nothing felt, nothing heard, nothing seems to add up. NOTHING! Pitch black.

"Am I dead?"
That was the last thing in mind. As you were sinking into your "death", you had ignored a feeble, minute bark. A bark so familiar that it ringed in your head with a steady increasing intensity. Eventually the barking brought you back to your senses. At the end, you realize that it was your dog barking at the early rubbish truck. It feels so good that it was all but a dream.
LIFE IS MIRACULOUS.

What If?

Spent the whole night thinking "what if?"

It is nights like this that often bring me back to time - flashing back the things that I've done and those that I didn't either out of lack of guts or there are no other ways. Pieces of us are formed by the bits from our past and what we do now is going to determine the future.

I find it funny how my life worked out.

In everything I do, I started off with a bang then I slowly fades away into shadows of nothingness. Perhaps I'm designed that way? Like a processor designed to last for a certain amount of time before it starts to heat up and slows down?

Thinking back, I am bemused with my actions in the past.

There are things that I've done which are silly, some malicious and some are for what the heck. To the account, I've done little things that are correct or appropriate.

Its scary when I ask myself "what if?"

What if I never joined anything back in high school? Not giving anyone a chance to sabotage me?

What if I've never break down back then? Could I have done better academically?

What if I've chosen not to take A-levels? Maybe I'm better off?

All of these shows how weak and insecure I really am.

It is nights like this that will soon drive me crazy.

Shaken But Not Shattered

Things aren't going as how I've planned.

Its quite frustrating. My scholarship plan is at a stand still. Its been 3 months since I've gotten my unconditional offer. With each day passing by, I feel the tension mounting on my shoulders. I feel depressed and over time, the depression have affected my daily routines.

Few days back,

I've read an article about depression and found out that I have a few symptoms that are stress related. First of all, I've hypersomnia (sleeping extensive hours) paired with insomnia (unable to sleep at night). My usual sleeping hours are between 3-4am to 1-2pm. Nasty stuff. Then, joint pains especially the knee and ankles. Thirdly, deterioration of memory - I often forget things that I want to say or said by others. And finally, a feeling of laziness (yes, it is stress related) in everything I do.

Thinking back,

I am actually giving myself an excuse not to do things. Blame it on the scholarship, don't do anything cause you're not feeling like doing it.

Hello?

The scholarship is not the only thing in life! Its crucial but hey, you've loads of stuff waiting for you! Your bicycle is left idle, half repaired. Your brains is rusty and in need of refreshment. Your house have stuffs to be fixed. Get your lazy ass off the coach and do some work!

Indeed my confidence are running low.

Like a basketball match, I need to call a timeout - to regroup, reset and boast morale. I've teammates that are always there for me. It is not the end even if we loses out. The utmost importance is that we never gave up and fought till the end. Set my life straight and continue fighting. There is no need to fear the future for we are the ones that make them possible. Life might be a bitch but we're living it anyways. So, why not making the best out of it? I'm not giving up. Everything you throw at me can shake but not shatters me.

What's wrong with me?

"EVERYTHING"

..

...

....

Yes, everything is wrong if you're asking me what's wrong.

My sister told me that I'm the one that she know the least.

The crux is that I've no idea how to talk to people about myself anymore. What I say seems to be wrong for people around me. People are telling me of how selfish I am and of how relentless I am. Some even say that what I believe is of fantasy and I never face reality as I should.

I was once obsessed with stepping out of Kelvin's shadow.

It was not the desired life that I have. The idea became an obsession that backfired and had me licking my wounds - it took me a year to get back on my feet. From that day forth, I told myself I will live my life as how I've desired all the while - become a researcher.

I knew the road to reach my goal would be hard.

I've always told myself to make every hardship a stepping stone to success. Life's a game and I can't afford to lose now because there are no checkpoints that I can save and restart a chapter again. I've went this far and finally my endeavors are acknowledged by an university of high reputation. However, my journey is put into a long and painful halt.

I clinch onto the prospect of getting into UCL tightly and unwilling to give up.

Now, people tell me that is wrong.

Some even told me to give it up. Perplexed, I am unsure of what life will I live if its not going down the path that I've weaved through the years. What is a life if everything you envisioned vanish? Everything that you've worked for crumbled, rubble under the carnage of failure. Life would suck.

I've tried so hard to be ordinary.

I just want to study! Why must my life be so hard that each step taken, a boulder adds on my shoulder? Can life be more polite to me?

Bicycle Restoration

Recently, mom have been saying

that she should exercise (though we know she doesn't have the motivation). So, Kelvin provided the tool (also the motivation) for mom and dad to exercise - bicycles. That have given me an idea as well - why don't I grab my bike and cycle along with them?

Its been 3 years since my bike's last duty.

It served me 4 years till Form 5. Ever since, its kept at a corner and forgotten entirely. The carnage - rusted parts, punctured wheels, moldy seat, brown chains, and pretty much everything is not working. The solution? Take it down to parts, clean them and change any parts that are due to be terminated.

As a gift from my grandpa,

my bike is not the fanciest bike but it was good enough to be used as a daily transportation to school. It was an old bike of a neighbor and grandpa did some restoration before handling it to me.

Fixing up the bike have brought me closer to grandpa.

Not physically of course. Spiritually speaking. Now I can see the amount of effort he had put onto the bike. It feels like I'm going down the path he had gone to and it feels good. It makes me appreciate the bike more and that I want to make it look awesome. After all, it is what grandpa have left for me. Plus, I've got all the time I have.