Monday, April 5, 2010

Happy With Life?

"AM I HAPPY WITH LIFE?"
Have you ever had this question popping out of yer mind?
I had it yesterday...
Or...
Should I say this morning???

Anyhow, it was 2.30am, I was heading to "WONDERLAND" after shutting down my laptop then out of no where, the question popped outta my mind...
My mind was working like a calculator with the plus, minus, multiply and dividing.
I got so puzzled up with it till staying awake for another one hour or so...

The first thing that crossed my mind was my FAMILY.
It was sorta multiplied manner as we're living a much better life compared to a few years back. Dad have gotten a job for a year plus after recovering from his back complications. Mom have gotten a better paid/ better boss job. Simon managed greatly reduce his drinking habit while maintaining a much cooler brain. Kyle(Kelvin) is having a great time at Cambridge and Samantha ain't doing too bad in her high school. Family conflicts and financial problems are down the drain.

Second, the person I've HAD a crush and STILL HAVING a crush.
I've been talking to her more than I've talked to her for the past 10 years. It was like a few booze of morale vodkas each time I talk to her through the phone. I've found out a few more things about her and I think she pretty much feels the same. Of course, some of the times I prefer to just listen to her giggling and just forget all the thoughts mingling in my mind. Even though I can't see her as often as I can in primary/secondary school, I enjoy our close but seemingly not so close friendship in a way that I've got a friend that understands my thoughts better than others. I wouldn't make a move and hopes that things between us will stay as it is for now...

Third comes the death blow - my studies.
Like I've said in the past few posts, I've been studying like CRAZY. Persistent enough to study for more than the sum of effort I've given in my high school life. Yet, it doesn't seem to get me going anywhere. We've gotten a few of our papers back and I've gotten an A, a B and C. It was really disappointing. I might the current top of the class but I've toppled to below average which deemed to be unacceptable in every possible ways. Some people might come to me and say, "Ivan! How can you get such good results?", good results are too crude and vague for a lame table such as mua. A wastrel I am. No matter how much effort is channeled in, the out come will only be the same. I'm not the game master but merely a pawn.

Fourth is the complication - the future.
One of the uncertainties and blanks that are yet to be filled. I've fear for it as it may not be the one that I've hoped for. It is true that when there is a will, there is a way. I'm afraid my way will neither be the highway or the subway but the hard way. With less profound intelligence as Kyle, I'm bound to work twice as hard, give thrice the focus and quadruple the time to study just to get my ass into Cambridge University. The path remains at mist and my torch is burning dimly, can i be persistent enough to reach the end of the road?

Before I can figure out an answer, I dozed into deep slumber...
I'm not in an emo state, so, no worries!!! Be happy!!! Its just a sudden thought that are a subject to stimulate the neurons in my brain - more or less like studying Physics, Chem, Maths, anything...

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