Imperfect or Perfect?

In this world, there is no perfect or imperfect.

It is a measure in which is self-defined. As a perfectionist, I may not be happy with what others consider "perfect". At the same time, I never think of myself as perfect. Not even near. Thus, I conclude that it is just our conception on something. And sometimes, we just need to set our mindset in a way that perfection is achievable in our own standards. It is the perfection of imperfection or imperfection of perfection (depends on how you want to decipher it) that makes something or someone perfect.

"Everything is imperfect, therefore, everything is perfect."

Congestion

Our life is like a stretch of endless road.

Within this endless road lies intersections of traffic. We never know when it will be congested and when it will not be. And within this system, there are no traffic lights, whatsoever. The only way to control the traffic is by the flow itself. Hence, if there is a flaw in the system, the traffic will become chaotic and accidents happen. As we know, nothing in life is perfect. Thus, this system is bound to fail and that is when we experience the downsides of life.

GOD, I'm so CONGESTED with life.

Can you spare me a traffic light to control this traffic flow for just a moment?

uNEW Life

First post since I've been in UTAR~!

Its been almost 2 weeks that I've been in a new environment.

I've enrolled in a university that is know by many but understand by few. Most people know the university only by its name, University Tunku Abdul Rahman (UTAR). The uni is still relatively young and the location of my campus is quite secluded in a small town called Kampar in the state of Perak, about an hour away from Ipoh.

Though not my first choice, might as well be the last,

I am beginning to feel that this place is quite serene and to my liking. Life here could be much simpler than the previous chapters of my life. I can set my own pace and make sure I do not stray from my goal - to get education and a way to break away from the cycle on which I'm stuck within. In other words, I am glad I can finally get a taste of higher learning despite the dramas before.

All the horrible things that I've heard about this place

vanished just as the anger and disappointment in the chamber within me have slowly faded. Instead, cycling along the lakeside made me feel free. Unarguably, nature is one of the best cures. UTARians are proud of this campus and we call it the UTAR Lakeside campus - we have not one but two lakes. Though the weather is a little bit weird but everything else is good. The faculties are well equipped, stylish buildings, a large beautiful library, etc etc. What else could I ask for?

It is a norm where an institute have many students

produces a number of good results, a bigger number of average results and a considerable number (higher than good, lower than average) of bad results. The public perception lies only on the latter two as they are the larger portion of the number. However, those who did well are really the creme de la creme in their field of study. Our university care less about publicity because it is not necessary. They are not making much profit from the students as the education provided are for the lower earning class. Cheap and affordable education.

As for the lecturers, 

there are quite many of them here. Most of them are doing their PhD's and some of them are professors. Though some of them have a relatively poor command in English, they really have the heart and soul in teaching. The best thing for me is the lecturers that are doing their PhD research - they allow a window of opportunity for me to get involved in their work and gain valuable experience. As for now, I am taking all social science and business subjects. Boring as they are, they might come in handy when I start my career. We complain but at the same time we are aware of the usefulness of the subjects. That is just how humans operate.

Anyways, I think I gonna enjoy my life here.

Whether it is a year or 3, my time here will not be wasted. Must live my life to the fullest and enjoy my new life as an UTARian. We are benevolent dictators of our own life, we rule the kingdom within our heart and soul. Thus, we must learn to protect the kingdom, keep the morale high and make sure life is good no matter what is thrown at us!

Experiment: AFFb

I've been so bored the past few weeks.

Figured that I'll do a little experiment code-named AFFb; Away From Facebook.

Problem statement

How many notification and messages will I get when I'm away from Facebook for a week?

Hypothesis

The number of notification and messages will be the multiplication by seven times to the average daily number of notification and messages.

Apparatus & Materials

Laptop, internet connection, my Facebook account

Variables

Constant : My Facebook account

Manipulated : Login time in Facebook, a week away.

Responding : Number of notification and messages.

Procedure

1. Login Facebook for 2 consecutive days.

2. Record the number of notification and messages.

3. Logout Facebook and stay away from it for a week.

4. Login Facebook and record the number of notification and messages.

5. The datas are tabulated.

Datas

                                                      Day 1                   Day 2                      Day 9

Number of notifications          2                            3                              6

Number of messages                0                           0                               2

Conclusion

The number of notification and messages that I get in a week is not equal to the multiplication by seven of my average daily number of notification and messages. The hypothesis is not acceptable.

Gosh. I'm so lifeless.

Practice makes perfect.

A person who fails regularly will make the perfect failure.

But failure is the first step towards success.

So when that person is the perfect failure, it is only the first step.

Then it is the process that matters most and we should enjoy it.

Means he must enjoy failing.

Success is a mere product.

Man, my journey is only at the beginning of the first step.

Long way to go.

There are nights which I just couldn't get myself to sleep.

When I close my eyes, I could see that hopeless boy who can't do anything to change his life and couldn't move on. Then I look deeper into this figure and realise I'm actually looking at myself. Life is cruel when you're at the wrong end of it. We've got to fight long and hard for what we want. At the end, we're not sure what we could get from the battles we've fought.

The glorious victories are all but fruitful.

The gains are temporary and the fame doesn't last. Look at your life and think again. What are dreams that we once dreamed? What was the goal that we wanted to achieve? What was the path that we've set our foot on? What is ahead?

I am estranged and confined in a puny space of nothingness.

As hard as I could try, the shackles will only tightens. The key is within grasp but it was just a mirage created by pure imagination of a boy who are beaten, tired and wanting to get himself out of this mess. What is the use of a big heart when it is not meant for this petty world? What is worthy when everything else doesn't matter? And what is going on with life?

I need an answer!

Please give an answer to my life!

Show me where I went wrong!

I'm asphyxiating in this radical state!

Miraculous

Life is really miraculous.
It is a smooth sail for some. And for the rest, it is nothing less than a ride at Hades' backyard. You'll be tempted, trialed and tempered in the fire of Hell. Nothing you do seems to be easy. Each time you see the shores, only to realize that it is another deserted island with hungry demons waiting to cut the flesh out of your skin one piece at a time.

Understanding that staying idle will not help,
you paddled across the endless sea. Under the roaring sea are shadows of vicious creatures with tentacles, fins and jaws waiting for a meal. Soon, your energy runs, dehydration sets in and delusions seems like reality. Finally you collapsed under exhaustion. The world seems much better as you're drifting in your semi-conscious state. Your thoughts are the acme of power and everything that you've ever dreamed are all happening at the second that it crosses your mind. The sky's the limit! At this moment, you feel all suffering and pain is gone.

Life is miraculous.
Suddenly you heard a loud bang and shaken you out of your fake euphoria. Reluctantly, you open your eyes and saw a beam of bright silvery light over the horizon. Home is right in front of your face. Your family waiting at the doors, excitement written on their face. You sprinted like you've never felt the firm grounds before and your mother gracefully open her arms like an angle spreading her wings to embrace you in her warmth. Stunned, you felt blood shots in your eyes as if you're staring at the eyes of Medusa with six inch of hard cold steel piercing through your stomach.

As it turned out,
everything was nothing more than an illusion. Your mind was playing tricks on you. The home that you saw was a thick forest and your family members are individual trees. That you've sprinted towards a tree trunk and had your stomach ripped by a splint of a remaining branch. However, the physical pain were not felt. Instead, a sharp, intense torment of all hopes are lost was the only feeling that can be felt. You dropped down on your knees and felt on your side. Curled like a baby in a mother's womb, you were shivering like a robbery victim that was stabbed and left to die a slow, lonely death.

Slowly but surely,
your mind slips into emptiness. Everything seems to have come to an abrupt pause - the breeze stopped blowing, the water seized flowing, the leaves suspended in mid air. Like a faulty television, your vision begun to turn grey, blurry with occasional lapses. Your body creeps from shivering cold to numb and finally to nothingness. You can hear nothing but the fading beats of your weakening heart desperately trying its best to pump blood to your brains. The volume knob twisted to less than a whisper. The world turned ever so silent. Nothing seen, nothing felt, nothing heard, nothing seems to add up. NOTHING! Pitch black.

"Am I dead?"
That was the last thing in mind. As you were sinking into your "death", you had ignored a feeble, minute bark. A bark so familiar that it ringed in your head with a steady increasing intensity. Eventually the barking brought you back to your senses. At the end, you realize that it was your dog barking at the early rubbish truck. It feels so good that it was all but a dream.
LIFE IS MIRACULOUS.

What If?

Spent the whole night thinking "what if?"

It is nights like this that often bring me back to time - flashing back the things that I've done and those that I didn't either out of lack of guts or there are no other ways. Pieces of us are formed by the bits from our past and what we do now is going to determine the future.

I find it funny how my life worked out.

In everything I do, I started off with a bang then I slowly fades away into shadows of nothingness. Perhaps I'm designed that way? Like a processor designed to last for a certain amount of time before it starts to heat up and slows down?

Thinking back, I am bemused with my actions in the past.

There are things that I've done which are silly, some malicious and some are for what the heck. To the account, I've done little things that are correct or appropriate.

Its scary when I ask myself "what if?"

What if I never joined anything back in high school? Not giving anyone a chance to sabotage me?

What if I've never break down back then? Could I have done better academically?

What if I've chosen not to take A-levels? Maybe I'm better off?

All of these shows how weak and insecure I really am.

It is nights like this that will soon drive me crazy.

Shaken But Not Shattered

Things aren't going as how I've planned.

Its quite frustrating. My scholarship plan is at a stand still. Its been 3 months since I've gotten my unconditional offer. With each day passing by, I feel the tension mounting on my shoulders. I feel depressed and over time, the depression have affected my daily routines.

Few days back,

I've read an article about depression and found out that I have a few symptoms that are stress related. First of all, I've hypersomnia (sleeping extensive hours) paired with insomnia (unable to sleep at night). My usual sleeping hours are between 3-4am to 1-2pm. Nasty stuff. Then, joint pains especially the knee and ankles. Thirdly, deterioration of memory - I often forget things that I want to say or said by others. And finally, a feeling of laziness (yes, it is stress related) in everything I do.

Thinking back,

I am actually giving myself an excuse not to do things. Blame it on the scholarship, don't do anything cause you're not feeling like doing it.

Hello?

The scholarship is not the only thing in life! Its crucial but hey, you've loads of stuff waiting for you! Your bicycle is left idle, half repaired. Your brains is rusty and in need of refreshment. Your house have stuffs to be fixed. Get your lazy ass off the coach and do some work!

Indeed my confidence are running low.

Like a basketball match, I need to call a timeout - to regroup, reset and boast morale. I've teammates that are always there for me. It is not the end even if we loses out. The utmost importance is that we never gave up and fought till the end. Set my life straight and continue fighting. There is no need to fear the future for we are the ones that make them possible. Life might be a bitch but we're living it anyways. So, why not making the best out of it? I'm not giving up. Everything you throw at me can shake but not shatters me.

What's wrong with me?

"EVERYTHING"

..

...

....

Yes, everything is wrong if you're asking me what's wrong.

My sister told me that I'm the one that she know the least.

The crux is that I've no idea how to talk to people about myself anymore. What I say seems to be wrong for people around me. People are telling me of how selfish I am and of how relentless I am. Some even say that what I believe is of fantasy and I never face reality as I should.

I was once obsessed with stepping out of Kelvin's shadow.

It was not the desired life that I have. The idea became an obsession that backfired and had me licking my wounds - it took me a year to get back on my feet. From that day forth, I told myself I will live my life as how I've desired all the while - become a researcher.

I knew the road to reach my goal would be hard.

I've always told myself to make every hardship a stepping stone to success. Life's a game and I can't afford to lose now because there are no checkpoints that I can save and restart a chapter again. I've went this far and finally my endeavors are acknowledged by an university of high reputation. However, my journey is put into a long and painful halt.

I clinch onto the prospect of getting into UCL tightly and unwilling to give up.

Now, people tell me that is wrong.

Some even told me to give it up. Perplexed, I am unsure of what life will I live if its not going down the path that I've weaved through the years. What is a life if everything you envisioned vanish? Everything that you've worked for crumbled, rubble under the carnage of failure. Life would suck.

I've tried so hard to be ordinary.

I just want to study! Why must my life be so hard that each step taken, a boulder adds on my shoulder? Can life be more polite to me?

Bicycle Restoration

Recently, mom have been saying

that she should exercise (though we know she doesn't have the motivation). So, Kelvin provided the tool (also the motivation) for mom and dad to exercise - bicycles. That have given me an idea as well - why don't I grab my bike and cycle along with them?

Its been 3 years since my bike's last duty.

It served me 4 years till Form 5. Ever since, its kept at a corner and forgotten entirely. The carnage - rusted parts, punctured wheels, moldy seat, brown chains, and pretty much everything is not working. The solution? Take it down to parts, clean them and change any parts that are due to be terminated.

As a gift from my grandpa,

my bike is not the fanciest bike but it was good enough to be used as a daily transportation to school. It was an old bike of a neighbor and grandpa did some restoration before handling it to me.

Fixing up the bike have brought me closer to grandpa.

Not physically of course. Spiritually speaking. Now I can see the amount of effort he had put onto the bike. It feels like I'm going down the path he had gone to and it feels good. It makes me appreciate the bike more and that I want to make it look awesome. After all, it is what grandpa have left for me. Plus, I've got all the time I have.

Jogging

I am an outdoor person.

I love what nature provides and really enjoy being surrounded by greenery. Thus, any outdoor activities are something I really look forward to.

One of the best things I found outdoors is jogging.

Jogging is the best stress reliever for me. Back in college, I spend 1 hour every Saturday morning just to jog a few rounds at my TARC hostel compound then another 2 rounds around TBR. My roommate even think that I'm crazy with running around. I think that running is just in me.

When I start running,

all that is left in mind is forward - the urge to keep running. During any jogs, I tend to push myself. I don't need to think anything other than keep running. All my problems seem irrelevant. I just keep telling myself "just a little bit more". The "little bit more" meant a lot more actually. I can run another 30 minutes non-stop when I tell myself so. Another thing is that I feel free when I'm running. (Maybe too much of Forest Gump - Run Forest, Run!)

Unfortunately, very few of my friends enjoy jogging.

Many of them prefer tea instead. Though I enjoy jogging alone, it would be nice if there is someone to jog with. We can share as we go. For now, I'll just have to go on alone till I see somebody who would raise his/her hand to tag along.

Reality

The reality in this world is always cruel.

It never sympathizes the unfortunate nor it will be generous to the poor. It is so cold that it send chills to the heart. It shows us how lonely we really are. Sometimes, reality sends a rain of needle piercing through one's heart that it hurt so much, everything will just go numb.

In reality, we should realise,

that every individual have their own lives, their own problems, their own issues. Humans are selfish being. Perhaps that is why we need godly figures that can demonstrate selflessness to the world - someone or something that we can rely on. How about the atheist and non-believers? Well, they have to rely on themselves. If they rely on someone else (including family members, the other half, best friends, etc etc) too much, they will soon discover that they can't solve their own problems and these people will not (even if they can) help them out.

Reality will not follow ideals.

Life is not always as planned - things can go wrong anytime, anywhere, anyhow. You can plan your life anyhow you like but in the end it really depends. When a plan go wrong, we have no other options but to tweak ourselves to blend in. That's one thing that many failed to do. Human often think that they are the being born to lead (if not conquer) other living beings - having the brains and capability to do stuff. We fret when things don't go as planned because we aren't prepared for it.

Although reality is not always bad,

we must prepare ourselves for the worst. We need to solve our own problems. We need to stay up strong against all odds. Even though sometimes we feel cold at night, we need to embrace ourselves with our own hands and tell ourselves that it will be okay. This is because we are all we have and if we lose that, we lose it all. Thus, we must not give ourselves up and must get through whatever life throws at us!

Journey Week 1

Arghhhh..

Of all the emails that I've sent to all the sponsors, none replied. MCA Youth have not replied either and apparently their phone is out of service. So, there are no ways I can contact them. Man, this i getting more and more frustrating.

Everybody at home seems to have lost faith.

Dad and mom are already telling Kelvin that I'm not getting a scholarship. I thought parents should be more supportive. They only thing that they see in me is a kid who procrastinates and doesn't do any good. Each time I'm sitting in front of my computer, only one thing come in their minds - I am playing games AGAIN.

How can I end up being so screwed?

Journey Day 3

Day 3 and still no progress.

Written an email to MCA Youth to ask for a supporting letter as told when I called them a day earlier. Besides that, saw the news on newspaper stating that Datuk Chua Soi Lek announce that MCA will be preparing 30 mil loan to students who are in financial need. That is good news assuming that I could not secure a scholarship from any of the sponsors.

The email I wrote to the Head of JPA Scholarship was rejected.

Apparently, my email was too long that their system rejected it. Gotta write another shorter version. Have to get his attention first before any further action.

Dinner Jinx

Its been 2 days consecutively

that something odd happened to the places I had my dinner. First was on Monday night. Had dinner at Midnight Corner which I have not been there for a few years. We had our orders taken and as soon as all our dishes was served, we heard a loud exploding sound from the kitchen. All the workers were rushing out of the kitchen and said "letup, letup".

My dad asked one of them what happened and he said "paip gas letup".

Everyone was running out of the restaurant and we ran as well. We got into our car and drove away to the streets (the restaurant is beside a street). After a while, there were nothing much happening and we went back to check the place. We had our dinner there since the dishes were already served. It was kinda like our responsibility to pay for our food even if we don't want to stay on and eat it.

It was the first time

that we had our dinner at the restaurant completely empty. We sat right in the middle of the restaurant as if we booked the whole restaurant. The customers who came after the incident was all turned away. The waiters told them that the kitchen is out of service. Those customers look at us with curiosity because the kitchen is suppose to be out of service. Albeit, we're having our dinner happily.

Today we had our dinner at T & L.

It was the second time we have an unusual dining experience. We had our food halfway and suddenly it was pouring cats and dogs. The restaurant was out of electricity for a brief moment. A wire trip I suppose. Reminded us of how lucky we are to have such dining experiences.

Dad wanna see what happens to the next place we have our dinner.

Maybe we are really dinner jinxes.

Journey Day 2

Didn't do much today.

Dad called YB Chang Hong Seong to see if MCA can help out and he gave dad the MCA Youth's office number. So, I called them and asked them whether they can help in any possible way. The lady responded in polite manners and advised me to send an email to them along with my offer letter so that they can provide me with a supporting letter. However, I was told that so far, there are no allocation for invilid (that's what they call the type of scholarship) scholarships. But I can try to get one.

As for others,

I have yet to get any replies. As for JPA, currently working on the email that I gotta send to the head of office. I need to convince him in meeting me or give me a chance. Asked Li Ann's help but it might cause some trouble to her. So, I decided not having her to go into all the hassles. Just do the things on my own. Its my problem anyways.

Journey Day 1

Day 1,

I've taken down the email addresses as well as contact numbers of all possible sponsors. Written an email to each sponsors notifying them of my situation. Then, I called all of them. So far, I've only reach 2 sponsors;

Yayasan UEM,

The officer told me that Yayasan UEM is only for SPM leavers and they have no allocations for A-level students. I asked them whether they are affiliated to Yayasan Khazanah and he said yes. So, I asked for Yayasan Khazanah's extension but he don't know. I've tried to call Yayasan Khazanah but all I get was the computerized operator.

Public Service Department,

I called on my own and they did not answer. After I went to have a hair cut with Kar June, he help me to call and the officer wasn't quite sure about scholarships for Overseas students. Apparently, they have yet to announce the allocation for such scholarships. I was asked to contact the Head of Pembangunan Modal Insan instead.

So far, my biggest progress is the emails.

Its gonna be a long way up there...

Journey

I've embark on a journey.

A journey in search of a better future.

A journey to change my life.

A journey that I've longed for.

What journey you ask?

The journey to secure a scholarship.

And I shall record this journey right here.

Wish me luck!

3 Big Slaps

I should really give myself 3 big slaps.

One for procrastinating.

One for my ignorance.

One for my immaturity.

With that 3 big slaps, I hope to put all these away. Grow up. See myself from a different point of view. Change my habits and reliance on Kelvin.

One of the most important thing,

step out of Kelvin's shadow. Stop comparing myself with him. Accept the fact that each individual is unique. Not one man can be identical to another. Cut the crap on "I must win Kelvin". That's too naive and childish. Stop relying on him. He can't be there for me all the time. I need to shape my own life.

From this day on,

I shall learn from my mistakes. Stop being lazy and take initiatives. Get things done on my own. Stop sitting around and wait for opportunity to come. I'm feeling that my motivations are coming back. Leave the past and aim for a brighter future.

List to be done;

1) secure a scholarship

2) keep myself updated with my field of studies

3) be more independent

Thanks to Kelvin for giving me a scolding.

I will try to reflect on my wrongs.

Unconditional Offer

It was like any other Fridays.

I go work early and back late. Switched on my lappy, view my facebook account, emails, bla bla bla. There were 2 inbox emails in my Gmail. One from HP and the other from UCAS.

I didn't bother about the HP.

What bothered me was the email from UCAS stating there is a change in my status. I figured that one of the Uni is going to retract their offer. Surprisingly, I was wrong. I viewed my choices and for a moment, I was STUNNED - I've gotten an UNCONDITIONAL OFFER from UCL!

Yes, UCL as in Uni Col of London!

My first choice Uni at UK. I am thrilled that the offer changed from conditional to unconditional. This opened the door to my future. Like what Kelvin said in his facebook; when the door of opportunity swung open, make sure you get it! And all of a sudden, my world brightens up. My life don't suck that much eh?

Now that I've gotten an unconditional offer.

I have better chances of getting a scholarship which secures my financial needs and ensure a brighter future. All I need to do now is to convince a sponsor that I am one that they should really support. Let's gear up and go on full throttle! Praying hard for a scholarship~!

Scholarship, scholarship, scholarship~

Gimme, gimme, gimme~

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day.

Its like any ordinary Mother's Day that I've had. Just that this year I'm working at Maxis (yeah, working on Fri, Sat and Sun). Apparently, Speed Comm have this tradition of giving out carnations to mama customers during Mother's Day.

As part of Speed Comm staff,

I anticipated in giving out the flowers to those mama who walk past our shop. Never had I ever seen so many happy mamas. I went into Cosway (cause the owner is my mom's friend) and gave the flowers to the owner and a few other aunts shopping there. A stalk of carnation and a simple "Happy Mother's Day" worked wonders - I've never seen so many happy mothers around. They were all shinning.

I never knew what to give my mom.

But right after giving out the flowers to the aunts, I felt satisfied looking at their happy faces and thus concluded that mom will be happy with anything that I have to offer - a stalk of carnation and a simple "Happy Mother's Day". I know that mom is happy when I gave her the carnation. She's kinda surprised too. Didn't saw her reaction afterwards cause I went to bath. But it can't be bad isn't?

Mom, I love you.

p/s: the carnation can spare from nagging for the week eh? =P

Choices

Our life is composed of choices.

Every second in our life, we are actually deciding what to do. When we see someone we are familiar with, should we talk to them or not? When we are working, should we continue with this project orstart a new one? When we are playing basketball, should we shoot or pass? When we are sleeping, should we sleep on our back or side?

Some people argued that there might be a few dimensions in this world.

In each dimension, the same person (for example, the same Ivan Ho) reacts differently to a certain situation. In this dimension, I will be chilling when being teased but the Ivan Ho in another dimension might be agitated. As such, the Ivan Ho in another dimension might be a high achiever or a lame table.

If the theory is accurate,

the people whom are successful in this dimension must be the perfect version of themselves. This is the dimension that they are making most of the right decisions. Perhaps in another dimension, they are just average Joes and average Janes. Who knows?

For me,

this dimension is not much better. I've made more than half the dozens of bad decisions in this life time. Hopefully, I can start making the right ones.

Dilemma

As time passes by,

I found myself falling down this endless pit of uncertainty. The shadows of silence are engulfing my soul from every nook and corners. The longer I wait for an answer, the worst it gets - I am starting to fear of what might happen.

Long has it been gone,

the young optimistic 10-year old boy who believed in every single dream he can dream of. What is left is the 20-year old pessimist who is afraid to dream. 10 years are enough to break his faith - his believes on how man are suppose to grab hold of their life and serve his purpose.

In this 10 years,

I've gone through many things. Some of them fun, some happy and most are harsh. I've been on the top and fall to the brink of breaking down but none can be compared to now. I standing on the point to decide how my life should be and I am afraid I might have chosen the wrong path. Instead of doing what I am good at, I've decided to do what I want to do - insisting to study science.

A few days ago,

Tracy (my lady boss) asked me why my sales have gone south. I told her that there are not many walk-in customers. The fact is, I am starting to doubt my life. My working experience at a few places have made me think; What if my life ends up like this? I couldn't bear being a sales person to earn a living. I don't want to live a life like this. Having to live whilst taking advantage of others are definitely not my ideal. Or perhaps my "ideals" can never be achieved?

Even in that 10 years,

my life have been much easier. Even when I was sabotaged by people, I could stand up. Even when I was a subject of hatred and prejudice, I couldn't care less. But this uncertainty, its pinning me down and giving me no chance to retaliate.

To think of what is there for me makes me shiver.

What if I can't get a scholarship? What if I can't get into any universities? What if I have to use my parents' money to study? Can mom and dad afford to pay for my studies? What happens if I can't continue studying?

I am wondering where the optimist have gone to..

This walls of the endless pit is cold. Is there an end to the pit or is there something that I can grab on and pull myself out? I doubt the both..

One Month of Work

Its been a month that I've been working at Speed Comm.

Everything is cool. I've learn many things from my boss and colleagues. Working here probably can make me a smarter man, street wise. My boss studied till standard 6 and now he's making few hundred thousands a month! Now, that is SMART!

Work is never easy.

Not for this work. All we need is a quick mind and a sharp tongue. We need to come out with solutions to our clients' problems. At the end of the day, we still hold on to the principle - help people, get our sales. Just don't screw up when you're trying to help them.

By the way, I'm not the new guy anymore!

There's a new guy in the shop and I've learnt all I need to start doing things on my own. So, yeah.. I'm kinda like a senior now~

*bangga*

A month have passed by,

and I've done over 70 sales. Still aiming for 80 for this month. Still on course! ^^ Gearing up for broadband fair this weekend!

No time

Started working for 2 weeks now.

I am so busy that some of the time I would even forgot to eat even when the stomach is playing like a rock band. Life is more productive but it is becoming dull - having the same routine over and over again. Besides, I am seriously lacking of time. Precious time to be with family and friends. There's very little stress in work. Just that it took a quarter of my clock cycle.

PC Fair

This is not the first time I've work in PC Fair.

This is not the first time I tried to sell an Internet access device.

And this is not the first time I got snubbed by the "customers".

And neither it is the first time I wanna say foul words to those people.

PLEASE LOOK AT THE FREAKING MIRROR!

Those faces make me sick..

EVEN THE MIRROR WILL CRACK AND SHATTER INTO PIECES!

Have been at the fair for 1/2 day.

And fml for being there. Wasted the whole morning with no returns. Not even a single sale. Somehow Marquez make things look simple. He gets like one out of every ten person he ask and I get none out of hundreds that I've ask. Talk about luck. Damn.

Luckily Ah Lee was kind enough to let me back to the shop.

I got like 2 broadband sales in 30 minutes there. Imagine what I would have gotten the whole morning back at the shop. >,<

Nonetheless, it was good experience back at the fair.

So, no hard feelings even if I hate working (or should I say begging) in fairs.

Life @ Speed Comm (MAXIS) is still chilling. =D

Busy busy busy

I've never been so occupied before.

Started working for a week non-stop now. It feels like I've played over a hundred basketball match. The level of stress is low but tiring. To put things simple, working is not as easy as we think and working at Maxis is a whole new experience for me.

Getting the opportunity to be an operator is really cool.

I know how communication can bring people about and the importance of being precise. Like any other service provider, we must make the best for our customer (and for ourselves as well). The important work in this line of service - TRUST. Whatever you do, make your customer believe in you. Learn that from my boss Ah Siong @ Tiger King. He can convince a single customer to register 4-5 lines in one shot. Talk about the power of persuasion.

Working sure too a big chomp out of my day.

Spending 8 hours a day at work really change one's lifestyle. I spent so much time working, it really make me miss things - the people that I love, family and friends, the time we spent together, yumcha sessions, etc etc. It makes me appreciate them more than ever. Sometimes, I don't even get to see dad for one whole day. Makes me kinda sad even though we're staying under one roof.

Talking bout that make me wonder...

How's Simon (my big bro) is doing over Kelantan and Kelvin's (my second bro) progress at Camb. Must be lot tougher than me. Hope they'll do well too.

Work @ Maxis

With all the talks, I finally started working.

I was not really up to the mood to work. However, with Cho eager to work, we went for a job hunt yesterday and gotten a job at Maxis ECM. As any other typical Kuantan job, the basic is quite low at RM 650. We do have commission pay. Well, its better to get paid while stoning at a mall rather than earn nothing rotting at home.

Its the first day of work.

Only now I realise that there's quite a few things that can make my head spin - the different call plans, different data plans, phone specs, etc etc. First lesson for the day - Broadband. And somehow I manage to sell one. Not bad for a freshie! =D

And people, Iphone4 is out of stock!

Don't come knocking the door for it. You gotta wait at least 3 weeks to a month for you. Like it or not, you can't get it from any where else for now. Sulk it up!

Working is sure tiring. =(

Hiking/"jogging" @ Pelindung

Wooh~

Woke up at 7.20am.

For the first time over this few months, I woke up so early in the morning. It was really a last minute plan when Yi Hui suddenly ask me at 11pm yesterday night. Was kinda lazy at first but figured that I should do some exercise before this body turns moldy. Btw, I slept at 3am.

Lucky me for hitching a ride.

Yi Hui's the driver. And Kaev, she drives manual much better than you. =P Anyways, Jun Yee tagged along or rather, I was the one tagging on. Back to story, so we set our foot on Pelindung. It been years since I've been there. Its a good day for hiking I would say. Conquered the place in 45 minutes and hung out at the sight seeing spot at Pelindung. Didn't realise the houses look so small from up there. My vision gotten worse. Can't really see the things that the 2 girls see.

Had breakfast after that.

Went to Seng Kong Restaurant. The girls are really tied to their homes. One have been there for the second time. The other prefer her dad to buy her food. =.=".. But yeah, we chatted quite some time. Talked bout the old days and man, I'm envious how some people can be satisfied so easily. Modesty, something I'll never learn in the near future. Or I'm just aiming too high that I'll never achieve.

Cut the crap,

The whole outing was really fun. Especially the sighting of the city. I love this town, but I must leave this place for greater heights.

Dream

I have a dream.

Since young my dream was simple, to be well known.

I want the whole world to notice my existence.

So, one day I told dad; I want to be an artist!

Dad told me; you'll only be known when you're dead!

I have a dream.

Then I given up drawing.

I got hooked with a new thing - SCIENCE.

Watching science-fiction movies make me wanna do what the guys do.

I wanted to make robots!

But physics was never my favourite subject.

I have a dream.

Helping people is always a passion.

I feel bad for the poor and unfortunate.

I feel that I have a need to give them all I can.

I decided to do something that can help many people.

Now my dream is finally within reach.

A degree in genetics at one of world's leading university.

I can involve myself in the world of Science.

I can help people with my researches.

Top of that, I can be well known once I make a breakthrough.

The problem is,

I am constantly in insomnia.

What is a dream when you can't sleep?

I remember that there were once that one of my lecturers told me about his past.

He told me of what might had happened back in his studying days. He did well in his exams and got an offer for overseas studies. He opted not to accept for a certain reason which he was reluctant to tell me.

I found myself sitting in his place now.

He gave up that opportunity.

Should I? =\

SOME THINGS SHOULD NOT BE SAID

Everyone have something that they hold dear.

Everyone have something that they are extra sensitive about.

Everyone will react differently on those sensitive issues.

Everyone have different level of acceptance.

When someone you hold dear,

talks about you (in a bad way) or compare you (to something or someone which you obviously are not like that at all) or treats you in a way which is way off your level of acceptance. How would you feel? Hurt? Angry? Despair? Confused? What would you do? Fight back? Tell them how you feel? Keep your silence?

I am a very simple person.

I put my family first in everything. And at the same time, within this family, there are things that make me feel unease sometimes. Of course, it happens in every family. There are not a single family which have no problem at all. Even if I point out the problem, the situation will not change. The problems is here to stay. I can only live with it. So, how do I feel? I feel congested with mixtures of feeling and sometimes I would break down without any pillars to support me. So, what can I do? Find a corner which I can hide and cry.

Being the youngest son with a younger sister,

I am one that holds no privilege whatsoever at home. Simon is the eldest son and usually, in Chinese tradition, the eldest son is more favourable to the parents. Kelvin is the smartest one whom have the highest achievement, he is the pride of the family. Samantha is the youngest and only daughter at home, obviously she's pampered most and thus, have the worst attitude. Where do I come in? Probably "just another son"?

To attract my parents' attention,

I have to do things that my siblings will not do. I pushed myself to excel in many ways. I help my parents to do all the things that my siblings don't usually do. For one instance, I am the only one who would bathe and feed the dog apart from my mom. Another, I am the one who care enough to do check the garden out and cut branches. When the toilet bowl is non-functioning, who will fix it? *all fingers point at me* At school, I wanted to be the best in everything I do. St. John, prefect, Interact, etc etc. I love to be the son that my parents can proudly brags about. At the end of the day, I failed to do so. Not only I was not the top brass in extra curricular activities, I screwed my SPM examination.

LIFE SUCKS

For that,

my sis never show respect. If it was Kelvin, she'll gladly listen to him without complains. Whenever I give her advice (even in a mild manner), she'll show me disrespect. Even the youngest in the family treats me that way. Mom and dad will side her most of the time. If not, both of us will be scolded. However, I am used to it. What can I complain? I have a home, I have a family and I have a life. It wouldn't be home if things are different. Probably I am destined to be the timid character in the family?

If they have said anything that hurts,

just swallow it whole like an oyster straight down the throat and don't fret about it. Some things should not be said and even if it is said, I just have to live with it. That is life as we know it.

Funeral Procession

Finally have time to blog..

Its been 6 days since grandpa ended his dwelling in this earthly world. The last time I was in a funeral procession was 15 years ago. Never did I anticipate myself to be in a funeral procession. Much less, my grandfather's.

In a typical Buddhist family, the funeral procession is very detailed.

There are many steps and procedure that we must follow. When I first step into the funeral parlor, I promise not to cry. Not in front of my relatives. And most importantly, my grandpa especially he is no longer here. I told myself, grandpa will never want us to cry. He is one that loves to cheer people up. Will he want to leave us crying? Thus, I did not shed a single drop of tear during the whole procession.

The whole procession took 3 days 3 nights.

Very tiring. Both mentally and physically. Spent 12-16 hours at the funeral parlor every day. I'll never complain though. It was my last few days spending time with grandpa. The only few things I can do is burning paper money, light up joss sticks, light up candle and buy food for him. When I saw him laid resting in the coffin, all I see was the man who loved me. All the negative memories are deleted from mind. I've said once; never regret for the things I've done but regret for the things that I could have done. I regret that I never treat him better when I could have.

The cremation ceremony was the worse.

I know that its the last time looking at him. Only then, I realised how much thinner he is compared to last time. He laid there peacefully. Completely with no stress and worries. It was a serene moment when I see him for the last time. I told him that I would miss him. I really do. When his coffin was pushed into the incinerator, I felt really sad. But it was his will to do so. The next day, the only thing left is his dust and his bones. White as snow. His bones was thin and his skull is really small and round.

His remains were transferred into a jade pot.

We "sent" him to the memorial park to his new "home". The place is still quite new. It was really nice and we decided to get grandpa the best place the memorial park can offer. A place in an air-conditioned room, over-seeing the whole memorial park. Perhaps he would be a little bit bored there. I can't hope for more "neighbours" staying with grandpa - that's same as wishing more people to end their journey of life. However, its the best place we can get for him. A place ideal for him to be at peace, away from all earthly trouble.

R.I.P Grandpa.

Your smile will remain in our heart.

You live as long as we have you in our heart.

I'm bound to be haunted by all those childhood memories...

Grandpa

The thing about life; we don't appreciate what we have.
There were once a man who loves me very very much. He fetch me to and from school. He brings me out for tea almost everyday. He made me his special kid. He told me stories from his past. He bought toys for me. He brags about me when he talks to his friends.

But as I grow up,
I felt annoyed when he brings me out and brags whole day with his friends. I thought that he's simply wasting my time. Talking non-stop about his past; the same old stories. I was rebellious. I even walked back home when you didn't realise. Ever since, you never bring me out for tea anymore.

Up till yesterday,
He was still there. Bragging about my siblings and I. He told his friends in the hospital that Simon gonna get married and he gonna be on stage to perform, Kelvin is studying in Cambridge and will be back this June and I am going to study at England. They were all in awe, filled with envy. He was healthy and witty. Everyone sees him as a charming man. He can talk to just about anyone in the hospital from the doctors all the way to the janitors.

Today, however,
I miss the time that he would be bring me around, brag about me and talk to me. I wish that I could personally fetch him out for tea. I wish I could let him brag to his friends about me. I wish I could see his smile once more. I wish I could listen to his stories no matter how many times I listened to them. I wish he is still here. Grandpa, I miss you.

Of all the things I could've told you,
I said to you yesterday; Grandpa, don't miss me. That was the last thing I told him. I never expect you to really not miss me and "go away". I should've said I'll wait for your CNY ang pow or for my birthday present or anything as long as you come back home healthy. WTF I said don't miss me?

I still remember...
Your favourite drink; Kopi O gelas
Your favourite past time; Performing chinese opera
Your favourite story; How you saved your colleague from being crushed by lorry
Your favourite phrase (even though its obscene); TNM(you guys should now what's this)

There were once that I was handed an assignment;
History assignment on WWII - The Japanese Invasion of Malaysia. We were to interview a person who have personal experience during that period. I interviewed my grandpa. He told me every single detail he could remember. It was really really interesting. In another assignment, we were to write about a family member who had contributed to the community. Again, I wrote about grandpa. He was a police officer who had gone through many things. A righteous man who never accepted bribery. Perhaps his sense of righteousness had been a stumbling block in his career life. He was proud to be righteous though. In the end, I got an A for both assignments. I never thanked him enough.

This morning you were about to go for surgery,
I was still enjoying the comfort of sleeping on the bed. I care to call or anything. When you sent through the doors of the surgical room, I was having my plate of wantan mee. When we arrived at the hospital, you're already under the knife. We left and wandered around when you were still in the surgical room. During our journey back to the hospital, dad called. He told me that your heart rate were 108/68. That is pretty normal for an average adult. But when we arrived the second time, you were already in critical condition. I never get to speak to you for the last time. I was expecting to go with 3 person and back with 4!

All this while,
I know you are really proud of us. Telling people how smart we are. What we've achieved. How good we are in our studies. Yet, we've dismissed you all the while. Some of the time, we even argued over small matter. You've been so alone all the while. We didn't even care about that. Heck. To think of it, I was your favourite grandchild. You've done far too much for me. Yet, I was one who neglected you. What had happened the Ivan Ho that was once proud of his policeman grandpa?

To be frank,
I couldn't stop the tears from running down my cheeks writing this post.

I MISS YOU, GRANDPA!

But its all too late now..

R.I.P,
My beloved grandfather,
Ho Kit Choon
06/03/1933 - 12/01/2011

Of Losing and Lost

In everyone's life,

we are bound to lose something. This is a reality that nobody can escape. But have you ever ask yourself this; What is the different in feel of losing something and of something lost?

The answer depends on individuals.

My answer? When I'm losing something, I experience fear and anxiety. This feeling comes from the root of all fear, fear of the unknown. When we're about to lose something important, the visions of life without the "thing" would kick into mind. As a pessimist, I often envision the worse case scenario. Thus, I rather hang on to things and hope that it will remain as it is. The anxiety is due to the possibility of "fixing" the problem where every single decision counts. I must think very carefully in structuring my strategy to prevent the "thing" to being lost. The fear and anxiety will remain in the whole process of losing that "thing".

When it come to have lost something.

The feeling is remorse. One thing that can be cured only by time or by substitution. Have you ever broke a favourite toy when you were young or scrapped some paint off your car over an accident? The feeling is much similar. You feel bad at first but you'll get over it after some time. Your parents will probably get you something new and throw the broken toy into the bin. You get a paint job or better still, get a new car. There, problem solved. However, I do feel the same remorse over some things that I've lost. But I can do nothing more than that.

Some of the time,

I opt to ignore the problem and tell myself "everything is fine, this is just a dream, everything will turn out good after I am awake". Naive I am. But that is just how I wish life could be.

Not Meant to Be

In our lives, many things are just not meant to be no matter how hard we try. There are no such thing in the world called "another route" to success in my world. I've made one wrong step thinking that; hey, I wanna do something different from Kyle and beat him at it! and ruined my whole life.

Call me a sicko who can't lose out to my brother. Indeed, I'm obsessed with getting myself out of his shadows. Sibling rivalry max. Of all the people in the world, he's the only one I can call idol and the only one that I really really want to triumph over. I'm tired being compared to him. I want, for once, shine under his shadow and radiate light that disperse the shadow. I have close shaves but each and every one of them end up in the dust. Maybe it is never meant to be for me to shine above him?

My first few years of being in secondary school was smooth. I've pushed myself to do things that Kyle have never did and ended up authority-hungry. Becoming a prefect was one of them. Knowing that my brother is very good in academics, I opt to beat him both academically and in curriculum. Indeed, I've become one of the better prefects. But through my own eyes, I've seen things that held my principles in question - teachers helping their fav students, a simple "salah faham" can help students in fight escape unpunished, saying "insaf" will get their ass out of trouble and etc. In the end, my work is not appreciated. I remained as one of the lowly ranked prefects while some prefects got higher ranks whilst doing nothing. Perhaps, I am not meant to be one of the highest ranked prefects?

One of my deepest grudge with my secondary school past ought to be in St. John. I've done with all my heart and all I can for the good of the society. Do you think it is easy to be the middle man between the headquarter and school office? At times, the headquarter gives me a short notice to finish the paper works and those you-know-who teachers tend to delay every single letter. Simplest solution? I go get the signatures on my own. Screw the protocols. Thats how we get things going. Bunch of shallow minds living in crude environment. Ask yourselves this; who is the dumb ass who forced the squad to train under the hot blazing sun every day and got champion in State com? And in the end, what he got? 3 friggin years being Lance Corporal. Once again, it is not meant to be?

Now, closer than ever. I could free myself from the shades. I'm heated, beaten and cooled. Went to a college known for many wrong things with one reason, a full tuition fee waiver for A-level course. What could go wrong? Indeed, nothing. I rise from the grave dug by people who want to see me suffer in Form 4 and Form 5, climbed all the way to the top of my class, did all I could to get a good result, applied to Cambridge, got the interview and got a chance of a lifetime to shine. Yet, I failed. As high as you soar, the more it hurts as you fall. All I could say is that it never meant to be my fate to be on par with Kyle.

What is second grade will remain as second grade.